When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
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[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
This comic I made in 2015 is my dads favorite comic in the entire world and every October he asks me to post it again… happy Halloween dad 🎃
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
sure sex is great for your memory but have you guys ever had sex? i heard it’s great for your memory.
Someone you don’t know is pointing at you. Make yourself appear larger by holding up a potted ficus.
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
😭😭
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
TWITTER IS NOT BACK IN BRAZIL YET
IT WAS A BUGQUICK I DONT HAVE MUCH TIME
THE KRABBY PATTY SECRET FORMULA IS-
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.