Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off

Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it

saw this in a dream

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Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.

Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.

Me:

Mime:

Me: You don’t say!

At the grocery store but forgot my wife’s list so I guess I’ll just follow this other guy around and get what he gets.

I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.

Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.

PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.

[insect crime scene]

ant detective: do you have any suspects?

ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick

*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*

ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede

“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”

[after explaining speed limit signs]

5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits

*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks up

Nice.

So many pants.
So little yoga.

this isn’t my first rodeo

– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time

Haha! 😂

Why do people say half a dozen?

Why can’t they just say Six

[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job

Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session

Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything

Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?

I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami

twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)

at the salon thinking of going darker for winter

maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl

I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation

Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]

If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.

Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once

Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one

Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested