Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”

Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”

6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”

Me: “Wait, what?”

the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep

Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off

I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.

😂😂

Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.

Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.

I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is

I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.

When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America

[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD

Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it

Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid

him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7

me: before rush hour, smart move

them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm

me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark

Me: A storm is coming

My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?

When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.

[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*

There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .

me: do you take walk-ins

morgue: what

Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise

Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.

when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect

Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.

The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired

Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!

I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.

me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that

Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.

*struts into the new year
~ trips