Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child

if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe

HIM: I love reading big novels.

ME: No kidding, so do I!

*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*

Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?

Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.

Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.

Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.

*Victorian letters to Santa*

My dearest Santa,

I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.

*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*

I would like an orange.

Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this

I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.

The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”

[Amazon marketing emails]

‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*

‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*

‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*

‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*

*looks in mirror*

Hmm *—add to basket*

three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs

Apartments show you 44 pics of the lobby b**ch I ain’t living in there

Saw the washing machine only had 6 minutes left so I decided to wait in the basement until it was done. That was 4 hours ago.

*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead

“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.

i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic

I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.

After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.

One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.

I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.

Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?

Me: no idea.

Daughter: a Dinosnore : )

Me: [sniff].

Daughter: are you crying?

Me: I’m just so proud of you.

It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”

Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog

God please let it be a hotdog

‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’

~dogs in therapy

*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?

My account is fake I’m actually your probation officer.

I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.