Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time

MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap

When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?

[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie

Me: *calls* How are my kids?

Grandma: We’re having so much fun

Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-

Grandma: Come get your kids.

My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.

“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb

its weird that when seltzer goes flat it doesn’t turn into regular water. you can still taste that something was Done To It

me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.

my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?

*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”

me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you

bf: haha I know right

Yup

GUYS.

For the past two years the ticket man at my station has baffled me. Some days we get on like a house on fire, chatting about life. Other days he won’t even return a hello…turns out to be a pair of identical twins who both work there.

TWO SEPERATE MEN.

TWO YEARS GUYS.

Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.

Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??

*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: your word is “cat”

ME: ok

JUDGE: incorrect

Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.

Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.

I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing

I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.

I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.

My swear jar has cards in it you take out and scream whatever’s written on them.

“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”

*vending machines have entered the chat*

dream jobs:

• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village

Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.

KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?

BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…

If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?

I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch

It took her 3 hours

She was so excited to be done

Then I served dinner.

When a shoelace touches your ankle

The morning after pill, but for tweets