Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.

Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History

I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂

PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET

You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.

ㅤ

YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.

i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere

“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”

No thanks

“Why not?”

I actually love streets

Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.

Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.

*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*

“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”

Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.

*puts lips to microphone*

Microphone: I have a headache

12: What’s in cocktail sauce?

Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.

12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.

Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.

There’s a man in America who claims he can rob supermarkets using telekinesis.

Food for thought, isn’t it?

before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother

idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭

Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person

Friend: really?

Me: well apparently not

My teenage niece and nephew refer to everything before the year 2000 as “the 1900’s” and, while technically correct, it still makes me want to slap them.

In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby

me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up

*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*

If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.

Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.

You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?

cop: is this your chocolate factory?

wonka: why do you ask

cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor

wonka: that 8 year old owns it now

It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.

Just seen my doctor about the fake pain in my leg. He’s diagnosed me with pretendonitis.

My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with