My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
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[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
(watching Simone Biles do 100 flips) I could do that.. for the right paycheck
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
Finished stitching this today 😇
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
*apocalypse happens*
My kids: This place doesn’t have any wifi?
Me: No place has any wifi.
My kids: Ugh. This is the worst apocalypse ever!
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit