Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
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At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
Snack for election night!
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.