My beach vacation Google searches
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Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat