“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
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Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
the hypocrisy of humans judging a cat for hunting a bird like they’re not ordering chicken nuggets with zero remorse
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
They should do a Calculator App Wrapped where it shows you the dumbest calculations you did this year. Real moron stuff like 20% off 20, or 1×8, or 6+9
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
My dog has chewed my resume. This explains the gap, right there
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
I really don’t get enough praise for someone who doesn’t need validation from others.
Asked my kid to point to her spleen. Bought at least two minutes of silence while her finger wandered up and down and left in right in search of the elusive organ
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York