a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
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i could never be hannah montana because i would take one hit of a joint at a party, turn to the person closest to me, and immediately go “i neeeeeeed to tell u something”
🎶It’s like 10,000 steps when all you need is a nap🎶
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
waiter: are there any allergies at the table?
me (already drunk): BEES
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
how long have you had this for?
Me: Can you do MyFitnessPal with me?
Husband: *immediately loses 8lbs*