Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life

My kid convinced my husband to get her trail mix without the nuts and the dried fruit, so I confiscated the bag of m&ms and ate them myself

Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.

[restaurant]

DATE: [clears throat]

ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?

ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.

Wife: Whatchya thinking about?

Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.

Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understand

But french fries, french fries understand you

*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*

I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).

Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”

Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”

Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”

The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.

Her: Do you have any fantasies?

Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long

Her: No I meant like hot ones

Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread

DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.

ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.

DOCTOR: I meant-

ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.

“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”

They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.

THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.

Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.

me: i want a girlfriend so badly

them: u have to start going on dates

me: seems excessive

When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.

I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body

I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.

Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.

Social media for large reptiles: Instagator

I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself

Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.

Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.

“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”

-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.

My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.

I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.

Shout out to everyone who cooks at 180°C for 20 minutes, no matter what the instructions say.

I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.