my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
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Me: School tomorrow! Hahahaha!
Child: Work today and for the rest of your life.
Me: Dammit.
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
the three genders
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !