Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsense

me: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: no

me: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT

Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.

why is the debate at night time. let’s get this thing started at 4pm. i don’t need to get riled up so close to bedtime.

Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar

Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?

Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.

Son: Dad can sand melt?

Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t

Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.

Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??

Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?

Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?

Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.

Drill sergeant: …

8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up

This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.

No Google it does not

5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.

My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁

I may appear calm on the outside…

…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.

“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow

“And we shall call it Kansas City”

Cuz it’s in Kansas?

“No it will be located in Missouri.”

What will we call the neighboring city across the river?

“Kansas City, Kansas”

Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.

Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.

Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂

I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….

Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.

Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.

Tomorrow is school picture day

Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes

Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes

If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly

Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.

My 10 year old:
If nothing is faster than the speed of light, how did darkness get there first?
Me: WHAT?!

Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.

Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”

Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”

Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”