Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
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Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
and this one
Wolves should really raise more people.
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
pro parenting tip: reach your weekly fitness goals by giving your Fitbit to your 9yo for an hour.
I’m not alone. I have ants.
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
How long do you have to wait between naps?
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD