Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒

This is me 🤣🤣

If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?

If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.

If your 78 year old grandpa called his new girlfriend a free spirit, you’d change all his passwords.

Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?

Me: Bank robbery

Therapist: That’s not a crime

Me: I’m out of ideas

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.

Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.

Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”

Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known

Boss: HR wants to see you

Me: What for?

Boss: Mandatory drug test

Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had

Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”

Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?

WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.

STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.

Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water

*plays Rocky theme song*

*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*

*vomits on kitchen floor*

*turns off music*

*cleans kitchen*

It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.

Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.

Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……

but cannibals are the real humanitarians.

The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.

If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.

ㅤ

I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.

People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.

Women in movies look so beautiful when they sleep. Meanwhile I’m tossing and turning all night like a forgotten 7-Eleven hot dog.

It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.

99 ninety nine
88 eighty eight
77 seventy seven
66 sixty six
55 fifty five
44 forty four
33 thirty three
22 twenty two
11 tenty one

[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat

Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.