Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake

HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.

Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.

Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?

If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.

My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.

Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible

Jesus: the bread is my body

Judas: *cutting carbs* I see

Body by cheese-puffs.

WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?

Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.

I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.

When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.

I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.

I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.

[watching murder documentary]

Her: That’s not how I would have done it.

Me: *never sleeps again*

*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*

My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.

*repeat daily in various scenarios*

ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT

When I’m forced to visit people I don’t like I find a way to sneak their peanut butter into their fridge

[googles “camaflage spiders”]

-no results-

phew.

wait…

[googles “camouflage spiders”]

-11,345,453 results-

motherf

Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?

Superman: Um obviously.

Batman: Think about that for a second.

“You have such a great personality”

Me: Thanks, I collect them

Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.

BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.

The Police have no lead.

Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.

handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up

Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!

Judge: That is literally what is happening here.

Don’t you hate it when you go in ALDI to buy an apple and walk past the middle aisle and then you’re back in your car with a 4 person tent and a fucking bbq

Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.

My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.

He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.