my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
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3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
next level snooze
Discovered there’s a Bermuda Triangle in our house where all the cups and dishes go missing. Have renamed it “13yo’s Bedroom.”
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
People are usually shocked that I have a Police record.
I don’t know why. They made pretty good music.
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
If I could have lunch with anyone, alive or dead, I would choose alive, because dead people won’t pass the f***ing salt.
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
The child psychologist at my kids school doesn’t even have a degree…though I guess I shouldn’t expect a child to…
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
I already tried new things thanks.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
I keep screenshots the way my husband keeps old cords, stored neatly away until the day I might need them.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
I would’ve gotten away with saving money if it weren’t for those meddling kids!
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible