Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[job interview]

HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?

At the motel:

Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..

Me: I’d like a wakeup call.

FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.

My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.

I’ve had the same dentist for 40 years, so it pisses me right off when he asks if I want a sticker. Of course I want a sticker, I always want my sticker. It’s bloody scary going to the dentists and I deserve my sticker compensation. Once I got two and I was so fucking happy.

‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?

Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week

Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*

friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol

I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.

The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.

A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT

-worms on Twitter

Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning

[first date]

him, a cop: so tell me about yourself

me: not without my lawyer present

Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.

Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.

I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.

[hell]

Satan: this is our library

Me: cool i love reading

Satan: we only have the twilight series

Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.

A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.

Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words

Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.

WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.

ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?

BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?

ME: no, it’s a Civic

11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.

Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.

11: Never mind.

Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.

Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.

Netflix and awkward silence?

Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:

Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.

*pulls coin bucket out of freezer

Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours

English: i before e, except after c.

Science: Ummmm, No.