It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
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A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.