Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
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My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
customer: your darkest roast please
barista: it looks like helen keller tried to cut your hair with a knife and fork
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
“playing devil’s advocate” should cause explosive diarrhea 1 out of every 5 times someone (your coworker) says it
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
our neighborhoods continue to teem with violent migrant street gangs
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.