ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
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ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
WHY?!
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
This is a true ally.
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.