Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Terminator: I’LL BE BACK

Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha

Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back

them: With great power comes great responsibility

me: *shuts off electricity*

me: for lent i’m giving up kids

kids: what?

me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God

A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.

Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed

Me: *turns on my cpap machine*

Her: Not like that

My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.

I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them

I don’t o u anything!

– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings

To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.

Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?

ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer

My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.

So I’ve got that going for me.

My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.

God: you’re a dog.

Dog: what does that mean?

God: it means you’re a good boy.

Dog: what did you say?

God: it means you’re a good boy.

Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.

God: you have perfect hearing.

Dog:

God:

Dog:

God: you’re a good boy.

Dog: [tail wag] : )

When something says it needs 2 minutes in the microwave but 40 minutes in the oven it does make you think a little bit about wtf is going down in the microwave

Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.

I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.

Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.

Become a minion. Get that bread.

That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit

*slips seductively out of shorts*

You know what that means…

*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*

*drools a little*

Rastafarian guy in the sauna this morning was telling me I should be making my own honey. “Anyone can buy a bee”, he said. I nodded, taking it to heart. There was a 10 second pause, after which a Polish bodybuilder in the corner interjected: “you need more bee”

me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]

other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF

Note to self: I am a note

Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there

I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.

I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.

I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.

I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.

The cat gives me the allergies…

♾

I try not to let avocados go bad anymore cause last time I let an avocado go bad, it stole my car and robbed a bank

I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago