Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.

I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes

If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.

Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.

I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”

God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then

Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone

My phone: Yeah, you crack me up

EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.

The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers

Them: You should try keto
Me:

Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.

took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name

I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.

*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture

Me: Floor Is Lava??

12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it

Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter

Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.

Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.

– me as a therapist

Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.

I illegally download music, but only Metallica.

They seem to be pretty cool about it.

How can vampires enjoy drinking our hot blood in the summer and other thoughts that keep me up at night

What is going on? 😅

Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross

Spider: *very hungry* dammit

*goes to church

I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.

“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.

GUY: I think I’m done eating

ME: did you need a to-go box?

DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that

Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.

It’s that simple.

Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?

Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*

Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.

My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti

Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie

Friend: I can’t sleep.

Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?

Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?

My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth