Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
You Might Also Like
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
In space, no one can hear…
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
i hate it when my pillow is not pillowing like it should. you have one job. be a pillow man. you are pillow. act like one ffs
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
One of those leashes parents use for kids but it’s to make sure my friend doesn’t leave me alone at a party
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
learning about math 🧐 📝
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
This is Diego. He likes to take the scenic route up the stairs. 13/10
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*