Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.

When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.

No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.

Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.

Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.

i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.

7-year-old: I won breakfast!

Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.

7: Said the loser.

I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.

I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.

Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.

I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.

If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.

“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”

lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down

Satan: welcome to your own hell where…

me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉

Satan:…everyones a comedian.

me: haha i just like to keep it light.

Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.

me: oh god

I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare

You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.

Everyone: Please

My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”

I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.

Thus I have to move it to get a beer.

Because exercise is important too.

When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.

Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.

I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.

& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.

I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.

my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day

[elsewhere]

crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn

[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho

Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.

waiter: would you like a table?

me: yes, the multiplication please

Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?

Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.

Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-

Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls

Cop: is that… is that less weird?

“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”

[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard

It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.

They become even more annoying.