I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
You Might Also Like
If only.
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
Me: I only use one side of my brain.
Them: Which side?
Me: The bad one.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
My opinion of the American education system is largely based on how many nuggets I get when I order a ten piece.
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
Finally got to experience my longtime dream today of getting sent the wrong zoom link for a meeting and entering a different, much more important meeting where everyone stared at their screen in confusion until the person in charge politely asked me who I was
I’d like to make a formal apology to whomever had to clean the Shake Shack restroom at HWY 35 and Pirate Cove Lane after my visit.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.