Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as lawyer]

me: obj—

judge: —shut up noob

If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.

grandparents are too precious for this world

In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.

jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home

I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings

Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.

I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.

[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it

Working in fungus identification is really dull. Every day it’s just say mould, say mould…

Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough

Dentist: Do you floss?

Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough

*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness

Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.

Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.

3 – DAD! HEY DAD!

Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me

3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?

I met a married woman today, she’s been married for 45 years . I asked her what’s the secret – how did they do it?

She said they the secret is that her and husband never wanted a divorce at the same time

There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.

It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.

i got 4 brain cells and they’re the Madagascar penguins

“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know

Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep

If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat

Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?

Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”

Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.

At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.

driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself

im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes

Friend: What’s the consequence for bigamy? Me: You have to visit TWO sets of inlaws over the holidays