My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
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[forgetting what kombucha is called] do you guys sell bacteria cider
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
Kid #1: “I’m scared of monsters.”
*spend 45 minutes hugging & comforting child*
Kid #6:”I’m scared of monsters.”
Me: “Eh, the cat’ll get them. G’night!”
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
is this how new cars are made??
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
