It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
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Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
all bases covered
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
The manager of this gym is looking at me like he’s never seen someone sit on weight bench to finish their hash-browns.
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.