I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
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Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
My neighbor’s kid said hi but I couldn’t think of his name and said “Hi son of John” like some biblical dude
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
Not to brag but I clean my house once a year whether it needs it or not.
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room