Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
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Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
The Frankfurt School?? What are you majoring in, hot dog?
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.