Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
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I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!