Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
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A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
Hell yes I am good at counterfeiting. How many $36 dollar bills do you want?
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.