Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.

My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.

In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow

After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.

Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.

Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles

be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character

I’m a good person!

You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.

I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.

The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs

Life is like a box of chocolates. More expensive than I was expecting.

You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket

Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?

Me: Oh no!

Wife: What?

Me: Bankruptsea!

Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered

WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.

Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated

when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before

Technically, all the money I have ever spent on food has been flushed down the toilet.

me: so I just check out women all day?

grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that

If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge

“How do you talk to an angel”

Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?

“How do you hold her close to where you are”

Me: Aren’t most angels men?

I missed going to the gym today.

So that’s 20 years in a row now.

Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone

Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.

By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.

INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?

ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?

INTERVIEWER: holy shit

walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros

The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds

ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?

JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective

Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?

Me: yeah looks like it

We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.