Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Limbo contest]

Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?

Me: I once stole a guide dog

“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.

Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.

[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No

Hacker: Give us your password or else

30 minutes later…

Me: OK, now try 1987 and three exclamation points

[bank]

Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!

Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke

Robber: No I mean-

Robber2: Wait! Let him finish

[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here

You look like you would fail a DNA test

My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.

If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it

My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.

I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?

Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.

I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.

My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.

My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”

My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”

Cop: You been drinking?

Me: No.

Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.

Me: Alphabet the.

Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.

Me: Each letter.

I’m like a potato because I’m:

-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter

What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?

me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.

my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?

just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate

if we get nuked while i’m at work i’m gonna be so mad

You don’t care about me. You just want to see what’s under my shirt. it’s a ham. I’m smuggling a ham. Happy?

My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.

Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.

She’s right about both.

society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool

Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.

Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00

Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.

I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach

– my dog begging

Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.

I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.

Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.