Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.

“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.

[ Mt. Everest camp ]

First climber: hey where’s your buddy?

Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.

I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.

911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND

FOR SALE: air guitar, never played

*calling 911 for the fifth time*
{breathing heavy & whispering} okay, the spider has just reached the ceiling

Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.

There’s been a lot of false alarms at the coal mine today. Maybe we should get a canary instead of a possum

The night before I started work at a global bird conservation charity, I had to google whether birds had teeth.

Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.

[Interview]

Why do you want this job?

Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around

Fruity

I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.

Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color

My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”

Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?

There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.

I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”

WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT

you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too

The smoke detector went off because the battery was low and I thought it was because the frozen pizza was done.

I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.

And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.

Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine

I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.

My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.

Black Friday through the years:

2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July

Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people

You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also

We are not the sane

Checking my emails on Cyber Monday feels like walking through a mall where everything’s yelling at me.

We are never ever ever getting back together 🎶

Tupperware lids