Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts

You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.

If you start making a voodoo doll at Michael’s, you get to meet the manager.

You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.

You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.

Anyway, I lost an eye today.

2014: maybe 2015 will be better

2015: maybe 2016 will be better

2016: omg, wtf is happening?

2017: is this a bad dream?

2018: no seriously, WTF?!

2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE

Sorry I’m a week late. Had to scroll back to my birth year.

It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos

Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.

Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here

yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁

me: want to go hunting this weekend?

friend: sure i’m game.

me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.

*leans in for a kiss*

DENTIST: stop that

you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too

{Me to my dogs}

No more table scraps.

(5 seconds later)

Here you go.

FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.

i think only bears should have the right to bear arms

Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute

ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.

Love when a doctor emails me about my “outstanding bill” if it’s so good why don’t YOU pay it

Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this

I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”

It makes me sad that kids these days will never know the joy of clapping back with “it’s time to get a watch” when someone asked what time it was.

i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻‍♀️

GMO bananas: turn brown for what?

We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”

Every Adele song is about lasagna.

back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus

Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.

I’ve seen:

•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo Dragons

But nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.

“Paper beats rock, Charles!”