Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries

kfc: you mean potato wedges?

me: yes potato wedges please

My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film

> takes cat to the vet
> vet is also a cat

I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.

Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.

ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE

[first date]

HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.

ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.

Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?

I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again

the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it

“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner

No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else

Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend

Me: The doctor?

Her: He never comes over anymore

Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird

if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.

Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”

The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!

I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?

I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.

I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.

When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.

I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.

You’ve got two basic kinds of people — people who move towards weird sounds and people who move away from them.

4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go

You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet

My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.

I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops

Every work meeting this week

I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich

Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.

Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.

I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.