interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
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If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
One of those leashes parents use for kids but it’s to make sure my friend doesn’t leave me alone at a party
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
this is the greatest thing ever
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, I’m never sending you nudes again.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed