We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
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early stone age tool
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
Got kicked out of reincarnation club for yelling yolo
My loaf of bread looks terrified
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
[struggling to get out of a hammock] come here and say that
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
those birds must be on payroll
getting corrected
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children