The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
You Might Also Like
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
Your 20s are for fucking up & figuring yourself out. Except for me, who should have had every single minute detail of my future plans set in stone the second I stopped being a teenager.
if you think my grammar is bad you should’ve met my grampar.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?