Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.

I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.

I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.

I hate when people can’t let go of the past.

Debt collectors are the worst.

[Driving]

*Sees a McDonald’s*

*Thinks coffee*

*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*

*at lawyer’s office*

Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon

*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!

I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”

Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”

Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone

Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building

People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.

I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart

sir, my pâté if you please

To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.

The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.

There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.

Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?

Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others

I: and your greatest strength?

Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority

I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly

Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing

[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*

At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.

“So how was your day today at work?”

“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦‍♂️😳🤯😂

I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.

[first date]

HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.

ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.

You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets

STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”

HIM: “This might sound weird…”

STYLIST: “Try me.”

HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”

STYLIST: “I got this.”

My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.

I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.

I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious

A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’

I was that kid’s first beard

Wife: Can we eat outside?

Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.

My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.

Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.