Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
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No, YOUR illiterate.
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
Olympic gymnast: does the most amazing thing I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear, that will be a point deduction.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
Darth Vader: “My wife is dead so l’m gonna kill a lot of people :(”
Someone: “Oh, that sucks. Who killed her?”
Darth Vader: >:(
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
PLEASE READ
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.