Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.

this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what

I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.

me: a beloved member of my family died

college professor: show me the body or take the quiz

channeling her this year

Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.

Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?

N: So?

M: So, I can’t help you.

*London, 1592*

Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order

Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?

Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*

Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom

I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues

My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.

IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”

Unimpressed

It’s an epidemic…

finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice

I’m a go getter.
I don’t let other people ruin my day.
I ruin my day my damn self

[doing group photography]

ME: now let me take one without the flash

THE FLASH: what the-

REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out

Am I having a stroke?

I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.

when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS

Her: I bought a wireless bra today.

Him: What’s the password?

if we’re bringing back satanic panic can we do a throwback to 80’s grocery prices too

[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT

What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.

when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??

“Grapey.”

-me after every wine at the wine-tasting

the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces

A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster

The waitress at my favorite restaurant is so funny. She’s always saying things like “stop calling me a waitress” and “your father and I think it’s time you moved out.”

I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.

After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.