“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
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6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
Grew big
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
grandparents are too precious for this world
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
Woman: I make my pasta from scratch. Have you?
Me: I’ve made ice from scratch.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema