Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
You Might Also Like
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
I thought this was funny lol
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
my favorite thing about halloween is watching couples fight, name any other time you get to see a drunk penguin break up with a sobbing deadpool cause he was hitting on a sexy crayola box
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
happy halloween
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON