There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
You Might Also Like
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
God help the parent* who tries to put a new food on their child’s plate.
*my husband
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.