Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!

*2 hours later has organised a small festival*

Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!

For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.

Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.

For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.

[Dentist waiting room]

Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-

Other patients: teeth, TEETH

Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!

Six feet under.

– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster

Friend: My car is making a weird noise

Me: Have you tried essential oils?

Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.

I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were

The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter

The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.

*on first date*

Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?

me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there

me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre

“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”

~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”

[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:

Can everyone please turn their A/C off during the day we need that power to generate images of people with eight fingers.

I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.

What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!

“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.

[at parent-teacher night]

Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, too

Me: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*

Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful

Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!

Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense

I miss dating

The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…

get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind

That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.

Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.

Teach your children to beatbox

People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?

*Wakes up*

“Wow I feel pretty good”

*Moves body*

“Maybe I spoke too soon”

My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.

Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion

[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)

❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away

Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL

Snake: *bites me*