Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.

Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.

“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”

📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty

We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them

Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”

I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.

This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.

My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.

My wife has the worst taste in men.

It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…

…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.

I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.

Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.

Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?

Me: is that on Netflix?

A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution

– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?

My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.

Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.

I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks

ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!

ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?

Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?

Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice

ME: I got us a custom headstone!

WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes

ME: Just read it

WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”

Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…

Me: No

waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined

me: run it again

waiter: i ran it three times

me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?

her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again

Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no

You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia

robber: gimme your money

me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents

my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies

I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.

if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka